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Their other: Irritability in family

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"'s close, not can help it," - me often complain on such a problem. Adults reasonable people in family relations suddenly find themselves impotent before their trumps emotion - this highly painful the situation. These unruly emotions arise on-pobutovim right reasons and spill out on loved ones. Pro this enough many written, but I want to share their understanding this problems - that this for irritation, what him need to, and as with him be. Broke a for it is rather lengthy, but theme moreover is worth, I believe.

.NET., that I will write precisely pro unguided wrought irritation, which arises in response to any neugodnoe us behavior family members. Under annoyance, I mean in mind an aggressive self, actors in any particular situation - from easy pique until rage and anger.

Most problematic in such exasperation - this its consequences. Very important, on whom we assign greater hopes responsibility for outbreaks irritation. Most often we might be blaming either an aggressor - for snarkiness, belligerence, for lack of love and patience. Either sacrifice - for what she gave reason for aggression. Respectively, if aggressor blames themselves, then he feels blame, shame, remorse and camping on To. His aggression is forwarded on himself. If responsibility shifts to sacrifice, then have an aggressor persists discontent its behavior, conflicts become chronic.

To blame either themselves, either sacrifice - this a limited and false choice. There is still the third option - is to blame itself the situation, which led to conflict. I mean in mind and specific situation, and situation family relations in a whole. Our relations with close - this is very complex and ways as news blackout imposed system. In it so much different submarine currents and stones, that not have all is obtained behave reasonably. Those more reason in it deal, and no one not to blame. And perishing if you commit choice not deal in this situation, then this - your responsibility, as said would philosopher-ekzistentsionalist.

That same this for the situation such a? Highly paradoxical. Close people - very significant for the us, they sverkhtsenny, can be said. Under this - they their, and means in relations with them there is special norms and rules, excellent from social. Than differ close people from simply other people?

Queer as - this mastered other. Relations with them less, ed social norms. Here we less mess its psyche - this hybrid, energy-saving relations. In rubbing shoulders with close more automatic reactions, which are launched without calculated governance - without dissaving forces on reflection... their reactions, deterrence of emotions, attempts to understand rights.

In relations with neblizkimi people, in a large sotsum, we forced to strongly limit themselves in their reactions - have us work unconscious programs, which help us to cling within. That this for programs?

In first, this fixation on social the desirability of.We, above in people, unconsciously seek behave so, to other people us adopted, not rejected. So, the negative emotions, in primarily aggression, we deliberately and unconsciously long our personalities overflow into in itself. With close people requirement social desirability is fading, after all they us accept by default.

The second program - forecasting is consequences aggression. Unconsciously we always're, in that would cost us aggressive behavior. In a large society she can indispensable costly - can stop communicate, fill face, turn in militia, to fire and camping on P. With close, typically, consequences less are serious, and means with them can be more often allow itself aggression. I shall remind, that deal here not in some conscious brought up cynicism relative to close, and in protective mechanisms psychics. But can be over time learn to their to realize.

Is obtained, that our relations with close poised on the brink of permissiveness that is. Under this, have us can be special demands to close, sverkhozhidaniya. Vsedozvolenost plus sverkhozhidaniya - explosive cocktail. Of maneuver human we not let us expect, to he understood all our desires, instantaneously perceptible air help, was particularly much, Mr. Carter. From close we often expect special relations - to we were have them in prioritize, to they always us understood and sought fulfill our demands. And to in these remaining were perfect - not committed the mistakes, not retarded and not said something stupid.

Us difficult be realistic in expectations from close, and this stems with very profound things - with infant expectations from sverkhtsennogo facility, from mothers. Child not realizes its separately from mothers, he not can to imagine, that it has a their interey and motives. Mother - an honest broker between infant and his .?????, whom he himself still not can manage. Mother comes on aid, when an infant child receives poorly, makes something, to him became well.

Over time Child learning self-regulation - functions, which performed mother, become internal. But even as adults, we can regress in this things of the infant state of with his lifetime of demands. And when in relations there is permissiveness, when social demands decline, this backward regression can happen. Own frame amplifies not insurance is - we on it users save, and regulate our fortune access thereto family members.

Still one the complexity of the - assessment their of emotions. Many people convinced, that on close feel cannot be. They get spooked by its aggression, are mad on themselves for it. And in end, go in emotional impasse, way out of which becomes, again same, an outbreak of aggression. With this, of course, difficult live, but the negative emotions relative to close - zakonomery and blame comes naturally. After all proximity - this is not only love and tenderness, but still and really tight, lights boiling, in which constantly arise friction. And than more we value their close, the more lobby someonegreedy for it or not, and means expected to them a host spectrum strong of emotions - in including, and negative. And if you to preclude the these emotions in itself, you easier will manage them. And if deny - the as same can be managed those, that deny?

One reason secret hostility relative to close - narushennaya justice. In a large sotsum we unconsciously stick to rules justice. One of the most of elementary and well described in psychology - rule of mutual exchange, "you me - I you." In relations with close this rule often violated - we something do for them not from calculation obtain something in the answer, but because they - their. But fixation on reciprocal exchange and need in justice accented so strong, that man all same insurance is counter on another member family: "I so much for him made, vusyu life him consecrated, and that in the answer?."

A sense of injustice accumulates and causes chronic grievances. Paradox in is, that even the most fair people often not note, that exaggerated their merit, and fully doctrines merit their close. This such egotsentricheskoe distortion thinking - absolyutizatsiya its role and depreciation role another. The case, of course, and contrary - man its role in family thereby, and role meaningful another - absolyutiziruet. But this accurately such same distortion.

That same will help more patiently treat close? There is widespread opinion, that only Iron will and we are patience will be able in this help. I doubt, that precisely these ways will help - they avtoritarny and start registering voters, they lead to suppress of emotions. Here there is such paradox: Than more forces we spend on suppression of of emotions, the less forces have us remains on governance they. Another mainly suppress - loss of sincerity with close people. If we long our personalities overflow into emotions in relations with them, then we become as would all seem unreal in rubbing shoulders. Here arises another Paradoxical effect - than less we sincere with close, the worse our relationship. Than worse relations, the more aggression - the very, that we long our personalities overflow into.

What same can reduce aggression to close?

First, empathy- ability to understand feelings another person, share the emotions, Still Rise on his place. If we coming on-line to emotions another, then our aggression falling. Ironically, precisely in relations with close empathy Fuehrer case difficult. Many people case easier understand maneuver online cartoon films about, than home. After all to understand another, to him must be treated as Different, and relatives - they not other, they their.

Is obtained, to understand his human, need seriously to him as to low - see in it another, nepodkontrolnogo us. Someone this easily do, and for whom - sky-hard. Means, yet to a daunting, but an process secession his I from I close people. On their own this do case hard, and easier do this with mediator - psychologist or the psychotherapist.

Still one important moment - kauzalnaya atributsiya- how we explain away for themselves mistakes our close. After all irritation causes not itself action, and the, what intention we ascribe to this action. Often here arises distortion thinking: Close we perceive in the context relations with us, and all their "mistakes" do as aimed directly on us. Not washed tableware - means, me not respects. Not can something be remembered - means, me not valued. And the like. Then as in reality mistakes close are linked more often with whatever something their noted processes, not with dismissive to us. And after all precisely mistaken egotsentricheskie interpretations and cause irritation.

These interpretations arise as automatic thought, without participation consciousness. And if to start thinking, then can be more accurately and realistically understand reasons behavior another. But before, as we thought, we already prointrepretirovali, and means already arose emotion in response to automatic thought. That here to do?

Slightly to hold down emotions and to realize the fallacy their automatic thought- smaller them to believe (albeit very want). And try to understand another person in his own context, and not in the context relations to you. Is also important to explain behavior human not his personal qualities, and situation. Not washes tableware - not because that kind of a bum and you not respects, but because he has other affairs.

And, of course, it is important use feedback. Not use their emotions as a means punishment - whips or stick. And to describe, tell about them: "I'm angry", "I'm mad." If difficult describe self, then can be described the overall health of: "Me hard", "me difficult." Desirable to point fingers reason, on which arose emotion. In as a reasons better to point fingers not behavior opponent ("I'm mad, because you're leading themselves wrong"), and its perception of ("I'm mad, because anticipated what the you another behavior"). If you until not understood reason his irritation, then can be directly so and say: "I still not understood, why, but I now'm mad." Thus, you provide us with the man information for understanding of you, not khlobystnete his anger - this more robust way to of mending situation.

In this post I described psychological effects and mechanisms, affecting irritability in family. I focused not so much on , how many on understanding of situation - it more important, as I know, any instructions. And in the comments section have said propose a you to share their ways - as can be to respond to own irritability?

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Many run article! Thank you, Lena!

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On health :jumping: God information me likes, so throws the right materaly in right time :writing: In store there is something else, but zaposchu through a few days, so to to read was neutomitelno :glasses:

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Between relatives often erased borders identity space, in such a case "I", its desirable misconception about itself is spreading on other relatives. When deal concerns maneuver human borders account for abide by, suppressing negative emotions. Essentially as arises conflict with the ensuing aggressive or passive type grievances reaction? Thanks to not thwart expectations. "I deserve better, I deserve greater, ah or although would something deserve." This the problem self-appraisal, sensations themselves figure. And for one thing the absence of the very-adequacy ratios, camping on E. Income households in really itself, because what lacks one looks for in other, judecator expectations and claims. If expectations enforced man feels quietly, his do dorisovalas in another; if same not enforced, then arises domestic conflict self-appraisal.
So definition of causes brilliantly behavior "I'm mad, because you're driving themselves wrong" and "I'm mad, because anticipated what the you another behavior" - the crux of the one thing and the same. Can be as anywhere calling a reason anger, but until handle Quizmania its beyond themselves - conflict decide not able and will only to get complicated..

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wrote:

At health :jumping: God information me likes, so throws the right materaly in right time :writing: In store there is something else, but zaposchu through a few days, so to to read was neutomitelno :glasses:

And can there is you have in storerooms a similar article with practical recommendations as insulate themselves from aggression intrusive "their"?

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Kisa wrote:

A can there is you have in storerooms a similar article with practical recommendations as insulate themselves from aggression intrusive "their"?

In its coffers there is no, but here is homilies here is herego. There, incidentally, and the reference on psychological literature there is.

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